Dear God,
It's been awhile. I wish I knew where to start or even how to apologize for my many shortcomings. I walked away from your truth for a mirage of a better life; a life of freedom, pleasure, and no limits which turned out to be a decision that I now know was made irrationally. My desire to bury my heartbreak, stress, and problems has created a whole new load of problems which has me seeking you because I know I could never overcome anything by myself but with you all things are possible. Mark 9:23 says "All things are possible for the one who believes" and I believe. I believe you are the creator of all, I believe you sent your Son to save us to break the chains of slavery from this wicked and false world and I believe that you are bigger than any problem I have and will ever have.Lord only you know the darkness and lonliness I felt and only you can bring me from this pit of destruction. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for walking away, I'm sorry for being shaken, sorry for believing there was something better than a life with you Jesus. The endless pursuit of something more has me broken and lost. I walked with you Jesus I believed in you what happened to me? My crys to you seemed like they never reached you, I pleaded for you, I prayed endlessly, my heart was crushed and I came to you and you never showed up. Everyone in my life seemed to up and walk away from me all in a short amount of time and I looked for you I waited for you to show me where to go, what to do, just for something to know you were with me but nothing came. I just spiralled fast after that. I couldn't feel you, hear you, I began to believe you never even existed. I just drowned out all the thoughts and pain and for ahwile It worked. But I began to notice that I was changing. Changing into someone that I wasn't. I chased the feelings, the rushes, the highs I lost my self in a life of lies and pain but continued despite the calling to come back. I was afraid of what people might think. Here's some guy who once walked with you, went on a mission trip to Africa, was seeking you than fell off fast and was than walking again with Christ I was afraid of judgement and having to come clean and get out all what I have been keeping in. But I know that a life with you is far more fulfilling than a life without you and I want to surrender and commit my life back to you. Help me. Help me shatter the barriers I have around my heart. Help me become who I am supposed to become. Shape me into the man of God that I am to be. Humble me. Love me. Help me love again. Help me let go. Bring me to a place where I soley rely on you. I want to know you. I want to feel joy, peace, and love and I know only you are the source of all those things. Father bring me back. Only you know my path so I am trusting in you to guide me and mold me into the man you intended me to be. I know now that despite my failure you will always love me, despite my contanst trangressions you still loved me, despite the hard road ahead you are with me. I thank you for what you did Jesus. Teach me to be selfless. Take my life and use it for your kingdom. I am at your knees.
Love,
A surrendered soul
